How Not to Write a Cover Letter

A commenter on Ask a Manager posted a hilarious version of a centered cover letter (a joke re Question 4 in this post).  Not only is it a masterpiece of eyestrain, but it encompasses every single thing anyone could possibly do to not only be an extremely poor candidate, but a horrible employee as well.

Please do not copy this—IT IS A JOKE!  If you send a cover letter like this, you practically guarantee you will not get the job.  But they’ll remember you…perhaps forever.

Enjoy!

MarySue Jobseeker Perfect Candidate

 

Discount on Ask a Manager’s How to Get a Job book!

Hey everyone — if any of you are looking for a job right now, I’d like to pass on a resource.

For the next few days, Alison Green at askamanager.org is offering a discount on her book, How to Get a Job: Secrets of a Hiring Manager.  It’s chock-full of useful advice and helpful tips on interviewing, resumes, and more.

You can click on this link to go to her blog and buy it.

Get your copy today!

Image:  askamanager.org

Image: askamanager.org

Happy New Year! 2014 in review

I didn’t post much on Clerical Chick this year.  And yet more of you stopped by here than by Graphomaniac.  Let’s hope 2015 is a bit more eventful–of course in a good way.  Thank you for reading!

———-

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 33,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 12 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

4 Ways to Balance School and Work

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL from this blog—there’s not much to write about lately, workwise.  Plus, I have been trying to query a novel and finish another first draft so I can dive into a vast pile of research.  And teach myself how to write a screenplay.  While working full-time.  Argh.

In spring of 2014, I finished my last finals for the Semester of Hell (you can read my periodic whinges about that over on Graphomaniac).  I don’t know how I got through it this time.  Both classes were online, which helped.

How does a person juggle school plus work?  More people are taking the Money Bus to College Town in hopes of improving their job skills.  I’ve been through this once, and I actually managed to finish.  These tips helped me and I hope they’ll help you.

You can use these same tips for outside projects.  Like writing a novel.

Time management is key

This might seem obvious, but if you’ve never tried to do it, figuring it out can be a bear.

This one. 

This one.

Image:  Diane Krauss (DianeAnna) / Wikimedia Commons

Not this one:

Not this one, sorry!

Image:  Waugsberg / Wikimedia Commons

You can:

  • Make a schedule.  You can use a Gantt chart (hah, I learned about this one in school).  Click the link for more information about them.
  • If you have children and they are in school, and you’re trying to go back to school at the same time, you can make their homework time your homework time (and get a little done, anyway).  Seeing you study will also give them incentive, and you’ll be right there if they need help.
  • Cook healthy foods on the weekend and freeze them.  Seriously, I hate having to stop and make food when I’m this busy.  I usually end up shoving crap into my mouth and regretting it later.  Why do you think college students subsist on pizza?  It’s cheap, fast, and someone else does all the work.  If you’ve pre-made meals, you can just pop them in the microwave and still eat well.

Note:  Make sure you build time to relax into your schedule.  You will need it.

Use your lunch hour

This one is completely up to you.  Some people like to study over their lunch hours.  I write on mine.  When I’m not taking Buzzfeed quizzes, that is.

I’m Plankton!

I’m Plankton!

Image:  buzzfeed.com

I wrote most of my police procedural this way, dragging my laptop to work every day and tapping out scenes whilst I shoveled leftovers into my gob.  Now I use a flash drive, but the principle is still the same.

You may prefer to keep your lunch hour as Me time.  Go shopping, go for a walk, or read a book you know you won’t finish when you get home because you have too many assignments.

Leave your work at work

Once you leave for the day, you might have to go to class.  You won’t do well if you can’t stop thinking about your job.  Make it a point to disconnect once you walk out the door.  Blast your favorite music on the drive over, or listen to it on public transport if that’s your ride to school (quietly, please!).

If you have the kind of boss who texts you at 3 a.m. because she just woke up from a nightmare of  OMG DID WE PROOF THE TPS REPORTS CN U PLS CHK WHN U GET IN TMRROW, then the difficulty level rises.  If you’re hourly, you may not be able to deal with any emails outside work hours without clocking in.  Tell your boss that would be overtime—that usually kills it right there.

BUT I NEED YOU NOW!

BUT I NEED YOU NOW!

Image:  stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Set small goals each day or week, rather than one huge one

This is such common advice I almost didn’t want to include it, but so many people forget this.  Then they look at the giant thing they have decided to do and give up completely.

As with New Year’s resolutions, you can’t just say “I’m going to write ALL THE PAPERS this semester!” and expect it to work out without some kind of plan.

Almost all classes will have a syllabus—use it.  Put each due date on your calendar and make note of what you have to do each week before you reach that date.

Example:  You have a fifteen-page paper due in six weeks.

Cannot-unsee

 Image:  cutestpaw.com

If you look at the example sentence, it’s huge.  It’s insurmountable.  It looks like a lot of work.  It is, but you can do it.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time, my friend.

Try something like this instead:

 

Period Task Due Date
Week 1 Choose topic; submit for approval 2/1/15
Week 2 Receive approval; research 2/8/15
Week 3 Outline 2/15/15
Week 4 Body of paper 2/22/15
Week 5 Bibliography/works cited 3/1/15
Week 6 Paper due 3/8/15

That is very, very broad, but you get the idea.  Each week, you have specific tasks you need to accomplish.  Don’t think about the entire paper at once; just think about what you have to do that week.

Below, see a screenshot from the spreadsheet I used to keep track of my fall 2013 semester.

Fall semester spreadsheet

Image:  Elizabeth West

The highlighting let me tell at a glance which tasks I finished and which were still pending (or which I forgot to mark as finished).  This is my general routine; your results may vary.

———

Just in case you’re still mired in despair, remember that I did finish two degrees this way.  I can tell you it is possible to work full time and still go to school.  Yes, I quit this time around, but I did it because I needed to write.  That was more important to me than school right now.

If you have any ideas or suggestions that might help other readers, please feel free to share them in the comments.

Hobbits at the Office

Wow, I’ve been neglecting this poor blog.  And here I am about to do it again, by lamely posting something I’m sure you’ve already seen.  But it’s so funny I just can’t help it.

This past Saturday, Martin Freeman, star of Sherlock and the Hobbit films, hosted Saturday Night Live.  The show has been hit or miss for me for a while, but tuning in this time did not disappoint.

You might remember that Freeman also played Tim in the original U.K. version of The Office.  Well, in case you are one of the five people who probably didn’t see this, SNL and I present to you the best mashup I’ve seen in a very long while.  Enjoy!

 

Attention, Job Seekers–Discount on Alison Green’s How to Get a Job E-book!

Alison Green, work guru extraordinaire and owner of the excellent Ask A Manager work blog, is offering a discount on her book, How to Get a Job, for the next few days!

This e-book is a great resource for job hunters.  It helped me greatly when I was searching.  It contains advice on how to make your interview and cover letter awesome, and how to ace your interview.  And it has a new snazzy cover, too.

Soon, you too could be having this much fun getting a paycheck!

Soon, you too could be having this much fun getting a paycheck!

Go to this link immediately and get it today!